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| Emerging from the Shadows: A Life Transformed |
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Emerging from the Shadows: A Life Transformed
The confession was on the tip of my tongue, and I trembled at the thought of revealing it. It was 1997, and I was about to tell the woman I wanted to marry that I had a long-term addiction. Not to drugs or to alcohol, but to photos. The term is “pornography addiction,” and the shame and fear it visits on so many men in and out of the church is staggering. Sleeping Giant I didn’t give it much thought until I was in art school. The beast that had been dormant was about to awaken. I was attending Allegheny Center C&MA Church in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and had recently recommitted my life to Jesus, being baptized at a college retreat. Coming off this high point, I entered a “desert place,” and at a point of weakness and deep loneliness, I walked through a part of town known for its pornographic materials and movie houses. I knew that I needed to honor my newfound commitment to Jesus, but I threw it aside—for just a moment. The regret of that choice still lingers. With my heart racing, I ducked into one of the bookstores and began to look at the magazine racks. My pulse quickened as I flipped through the pages and filled the screen of my mind with these dark images. I repressed any sense of decency and plowed ahead, stopping at each photo to indulge my obscene thoughts. I bought one of the magazines and concealed it in my backpack as I walked to my apartment. After a few hours of filling the darkness in my mind, I tossed the magazine in the trash. I justified that it couldn’t really be that bad—after all I had thrown it away. But something had begun. It has been said that a rut is a grave with the ends knocked out, and I dug for myself a monstrous rut. I continued with this broken pattern of pain, guilt, indulgence, regret and back to pain. I was medicating my pain with pornography. I’ve Got a Secret Years later, my girlfriend and I were talking about getting married. I knew she would be completely appalled at the secret I kept, but I continued to live the lie. I was working for a prominent national Christian ministry, attending church every week and frequenting my newfound source for pornography—the Internet. With anonym-ity assured on the Web, I was able to satisfy the raging lust in my heart while living outwardly as a Christian. But like the Pharisees, I was a whitewashed tomb. The weight of this lie was too difficult to carry, so I broke down to a coworker. He shared his life story of how the Lord had freed him from homosexuality. We had a meaningful conversation about admitting my problem to my girlfriend as well as shining the light of truth on this shameful offense. So at the next opportunity—during a team chapel—I let the light of truth shine on this dark corner of my life. The most difficult part was telling my girlfriend. She sat across from me at a shopping mall food court, and I was about to unload my shame on her. “I’ve got a secret,” I said. “And I’m not at all sure how to let you know.” I went into the details about my addiction. I revealed that just a few days earlier I had indulged my fantasies and told her I was sorry. “Phew, am I glad to get that off my chest,” I said. Her hands grew cold as she pulled them from mine. The tears that flowed down her cheeks were an absolute surprise, and the pain in her eyes told me everything. She got up to leave, and I thought that I was going to be stranded at this shopping mall 30 miles from home. All the while I was still thinking about myself. Help and Healing She began to tell me what this revelation had done to her—how my choice to sin was a smack in the face of our love. It hit me—my choices affected not only me but also her. I began to pour out my heart and from the deepest places ask for her forgiveness. To my surprise she forgave me. She was and is the hand of Jesus to me. The cleansing of God washed over me as I cried all the way back to my apartment. I would love to say that this was the end of my addiction and I no longer wrestled with the deep longings I was trying to fill with pornography. However, I had other failures. After we had been married and while she was on a retreat for young mothers, I ventured to another pornographic Web site. The rush of shame covered me. I knew that on her return I must again confess and ask her forgiveness. I did so. She graciously granted it to me and gently said I needed counseling. The thought of asking for help was appalling. It meant admitting I was broken. It meant revealing that I needed help. It meant putting myself in a position of vulnerability and humility. What man in his right mind would want to appear weak? This one needed to. We found a local Christian counselor and began weekly meetings. For approximately two months I received godly counsel. During this time, I came clean to the group of men I was meeting with every Friday. Another member of the group was dealing with the same issue and was attending a Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) group. From that moment of honest confession, our group of men became a band of brothers committed to wholeness in Christ. We read books, set up accountability time and knew we could call each other whenever we needed to ensure personal purity and holiness. I am no theologian, but I feel like brokenness is the beginning of restoration. Being broken in the hands of a loving Creator is the epitome of grace, and being in a community of grace is extremely helpful to experience the redemption of God. Moving from regret to remorse to godly repentance is a daily journey. I regret my decision to have “ducked into” that bookstore. Yet, I have seen the grace of God in ways that I would have never known were it not for that choice. I don’t recommend this path, but I do know that He can take a bad choice and work it for His good plan. I intend to share this story with my son, and anyone else God puts in my path. I want everyone to know that God is a God of restoration and redemption—He showers us lavishly with His mercy and grace. This journey is made easier knowing that we are not alone in our struggles. To God alone be the glory.
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